let's talk about college, shall we?

graduation. probably the last thing that i wanna talk about right now. but let's face it. the earlier we embrace a fact, the easier we get it, and the faster we move on (ahem). so here it goes. i'd call it a monologue. :)

"`nak, pasak-a mi ni Daddy sa stage, ha?" mom tells me.

i answer with a slight nod.

"ay, pati diay si Ate."

"mmm." and that's all i say every time. every time.

there's this one day when my parents and i had lunch at Pizza Hut at the local mall. my mom meets a friend, and they talk about my graduation. blah blah blah. and she says, "dah oy, wa naman gani na siya nagtarong kay kasayod naman na siya na mu-graduate siya bisa'g unsaon!" and then they laugh. i go quiet and stare through the window.

and then that's when i thought, wow. so she realized that? of course, i'd realized that way back then, when my low, low, low grades met my eyes at school. and then there was this essay in English. and that's when i admitted to myself that i failed. that i was a failure as a student, as a sister, as a daughter. probably even as a friend. think, guys, and you'll know what i mean.

i'm a washout. a high school washout. i used to be quite admirable, y'know. not to boast or anything, but i was. truly. i was serious about school once. back in elementary. i may have felt like i failed when i ranked 6th honorable mention in sixth grade, because to me, it didn't feel like it was enough. and then i went to high school. i tried to work it out, but the harder i tried, the more i failed. so i stopped trying altogether. and that went on 'til this very moment (not that it's gonna stop tomorrow, lol).

so yes, i've lost interest in school. i've lost interest in studying. basically, i lost interest in even trying. maybe it's because of the previous failures i've had in life. i don't know. what i know is that i'm tired.

my mom was right. i know i'm graduating anyway, so what's the point in trying to ahieve more? if something comes my way, then i'll thank God for it, and try a little. if that makes things better, then i'll try even harder, and so on. but if it fails? okay. pause. think. move on, and don't look back. it'll do you no good, i know that for sure.

so back to graduation. i don't want to be held back for a year, that's for sure. that would be.. humiliating. self-degrading, and everything else nasty that i can think of. i could never imagine myself being back in high school for one more year. not because i hate highschool but because the people i'd like to share it with would be in college by then. which would make it pointless. graduation would be the saddest event in my life yet. i'm not looking forward to it. because where i am now, mediocre as it is, is where i would like to stay for a longer period of time. five months isn't enough for me to strengthen my bonds with my friends. it's not long enough for me to drop the bitterness towards the fact that i am graduating, no matter what i say or do. it's not long enough for me to realize what i really want to be in college. what type of college student i'm gonna be. would i be the same as i was in highschool? a lazy person, ending up nearly flunking? i wouldn't want that, now would i? who would, anyway? five months is too short for me to gather all the greatest memories i could possibly ever get. i want to save every single day i have left with my friends, which is exactly the reason why i wanna hang out all the time and go home late, which i can't because it's not safe. and they want me to get used to fact that i'm going to college? really? because as far as i can tell, my future college would be nowhere near our house. nowhere near them. nowhere near from here. at all. i might as well get used to socializing and spending late hours being out. that way, i might be able to fully accept the college problem.

i don't know what i'm gonna do at the present time, nor for the near future. but i do know this: i don't wanna miss a thing. i will do anything to spend the most with my high school peeps. =)