break me if you can.

maybe you've noticed, or maybe you haven't. i'd bet you have.

i'm sorry, but i just don't want to spend the first hour of my day in class being upset about seeing one of my friends weeping all over the place. that's just too melodramatic, don't you think? i've had enough of it. i'm not saying i'm done with you, or anybody. i'm saying i'm done with this crap.

i know that we say we're the best clique out there. but let me make it clear. no, we're not. because our clique is full of people, too obnoxious and proud of being the best possible friends out there that they end up being bad ones. like i said, i don't want to start my day crying for something i'm not guilty about, or mad about. i don't want that kind of mess. i want friends, and that's it. those friends don't even have to listen to whatever i have to say. all i want is fun. fun, not tears. not drama. not complaints. not doubtful reasons, nor unreasonable doubts. i don't want to be miserable for the rest of my highschool life.

and don't judge me for what i said up there. i never said i'm mad at you, so don't go ahead telling the others that i'm sick of you all. i never said na "nagkulang" mo, so don't get upset thinking about what you did wrong. and most definitely do not go ahead to telling people that i am hanging out with the best liars, the most competitive enemies, the most shallow judges, and the worst friends, because that's not true. they're not like that at all. sometimes i think they're great, not because they're all freakin' girls who don't freakin' care about what comes out of their freakin' mouths, but because they know how to make fun of all their problems. don't worry, i love you all. i just feel like something's wrong, and i feel like this is what's wrong.

sometimes, people just have to learn how to stop crying. you feel guilty? say you're sorry. don't drag people around to a corner of the room and cry 'til the whole class notices you. because that's not being guilty. that's being "maarte" and "papansin". talk to someone, don't talk to everyone. that's not looking for comfort, that's looking for attention.

you're mad at someone? or just upset about something with someone? talk to someone, but then approach that person you're upset with and start a conversation to settle it. don't go around complaining to other people, making them your bridges. because being a bridge between enemies is a ruthless and a freakin' job.

are you happy? i don't care. okay, fine. let's talk about it and celebrate for a while. say it once, say it twice to my face. i don't care. just don't go for hours jumping around in front of me telling me how ecstatic you are when you know it shows in my face that i don't care anymore. because if you keep on doing that, then it's going to be my day that ends up ruined and unhappy.

is there something you want or don't want? talk to me. but end it. make it stop. don't tolerate it. otherwise, you're a hypocrite. stop pretending. it's what people hate the most. it's what i hate the most.

you upset about something really bad? fine. talk to me about it because i will listen. please, ask for some advice if i've got some to offer. but that's where it ends. don't drag me down because of it. don't ruin my day if yours is already ruined and doesn't get better in the long run.

you wanna know why i've been spending less time with the people i love, and more with the people you despise? i don't know either. but i realized something when they asked me this: "ming, ngano'ng sige ra man mo'g hilak sa inyo'ng grupo? pirmi ra naa sa inyo ang drama."

i don't remember what i said. but now i know what i should have said. "because they care too much. they do, i don't. which is why i'm here with you. i get that my friends love and care for each of us. but what they do is nonsense at some point. you care about people with problems? talk to them and help them solve it. not help them cry their eyeballs out. that's what they do sometimes, which is why the problems never end, and i just don't get it. don't get me wrong. i care for them too. because i love them. they're good friends. that's all they're trying to be. but what i do when i care, i don't cry with them. it'll make them feel worse. it'll make them feel like crap. it'll make them look down on themselves. i know it'll make them feel worse because people are pitying them. so i don't cry with them. i'll ask, and listen, if i can. and that's all there is. i say something nice in return if they need it or ask for it, but i won't give tears for them like i'm the one with the problem."

sometimes i think about our differences from them. they're crazy, obviously. they start fights, but trust me, not all them are unreasonable. sometimes they're right. not all the time they ruin people's lives just because. they ruin theirs because those people destroy theirs. get it? it's called getting even for a reasonable reason. i know, don't fight fire with fire. but what if the fire's too big for you to handle? would you be willing to take the risk of waiting for it to disappear? no, i don't think so. no one ever does that. at some point or another, you will fight with someone. you'll hurt others. you'll get hurt. and the next thing you know, you're breaking. it's the circle of life. no one lives without going through that phase.

i'm not really sure what my point was when i started typing this, but i just felt like i had to say stuff. those words came out, so didn't bother swallowing them back.

sorry if i hurt anyone. but then again, why would someone get hurt after reading this? after all, if you cry or feel hurt or mad, it only means you're guilty. and from the very start, i told you it's not you, it's me. *oh look! a stone!*

the last song.

the famous Disney star Miley Ray Cyrus (born Destiny Hope Cyrus, but later changed to Miley Ray), best known for her character in a three-season long Disney Channel comedy-musical series Hannah Montana once quoted in the best-seller ('twas best-seller, wasn't it?) Hannah Montana Movie: "there's only so much sacrifices you can ask family to make." this quote sure is in line with Nicholas Spark's latest novel-made-into-movie, The Last Song.

The Last Song is a story of a seventeen (i can't remember much on the details, like numbers. i finished the novel in two consecutive nights, last week, i think. if i'd thought about posting this on my blog then, this would be a reaaaaaally long one - this is more on the basics and everything that melted my heart on those two nights i spent alone locked in my room while reading the e-book on the computer) year-old girl named Ronnie (short for Veronica) and her little ten-year old brother, Jonah. their parents were divorced. her mom was getting remarried, and her dad lived somewhere else. in a beach-y kinda place. like i said, i forgot the names and dates and other details. her dad was a pianist, who used to teach at the Julliard School for Arts. he quit his teaching job to be a concert pianist when Ronnie was around fourteen or thirteen. his decision to leave Julliard tore his family apart. his two children were left with their mom. Ronnie banished her passion for the piano, which she learned and inherited from her dad. when Ronnie was seventeen, she and her brother were sent to spend their summer with their dad. little did they know that their father was dying. he had stomach cancer, just like his father. it ran in his family. thinking that her dad was the villain in her life (think Veronica Mars' perspective: the hero is the one that stays, and the villain is the one that splits. she probably thought that way somehow), she avoided him at all costs. she refused to listen to him play the piano, and refused to play for him. in fact, she showed so much hatred for her dad's piano that led him to build up a wall around it. she avoided the talks and everything. in short, she pretty much hated her dad ever since he left them. Jonah was alright with everything. he was cute as a bug. her father tried being a normal dad. he tried to rebuild his bond with his daughter. during summer, Ronnie befriends the risky (kinda emo, actually) and rebellious kids in the area and discovers love in Will Blakelee. he was a beach volleyball player, and the son of this rich dude. Blakelee Brakes was the name of their company. they were rich, alright. very. so yeah. they fall in love, kinda like the same in all the other novels by Nicholas Sparks. the mother doesn't like her and thinks that Will deserves better. the bestfriend thinks he's wasting his time on Ronnie. the jealous ex-girlfriend gets mad and tries to break them up. and the dad is the one that stays good about all this. the rebellious kids get in a huge chaos with Ronnie (like, police trouble). oh, yeah. by the way, the one thing that strengthens the bond between Ronnie and Will is a nest of sea turtles. she loves animals. she's a marshmallow, despite the character she tries to pull of in front of everyone. Will was a volunteer at the aquarium (that place in that place that takes care of the animals in the area, blah blah blah). and then the good part comes. (this is where i started to cry the second night) Ronnie's dad starts coughing up blood, and the truth about his cancer comes out. it's spreading through his pancreas and everything, which meant that he was gonna die soon. Ronnie was devastated. Jonah couldn't understand the situation. he thought his dad was gonna get better someday. aaaaaand, fast-forward again. Will leaves for college, which means yes, they broke up (and neither of them took it well - they had a fight). Jonah and his mom go back to New York, while Ronnie stayed behind. for months, she took care of him, regretting every thing she said and did to him. she thought hard on what she was missing. she kept thinking about what God wanted her to do. until she found the right thing. she had to finish the song her dad had been composing (but couldn't get right). she played the song for him, and that's when he dies. in the epilogue, Ronnie auditions for Julliard. Will transfers to a university in New York, which of course, means Ronnie and Will get back together in the end.

i know. when i tell the story like that, it loses the spark. hahaha. if only i had thought about blogging my review for this novel the same night i finished it! gaaaaah. this post would've been very accurate about the things i felt. too bad. 'cause the thought about this novel only resurfaced when a good friend of mine Plurked about it. so yeah. here goes.

i'm a novel person. really, i love them. but lately, i couldn't find the time to read anything that made much sense. all i could read was fiction (like, fantasy fiction. not the inspiring ones.). my busy schedule at school made it impossible for me to grab a good book and read. but this novel, i just had to read. i'm not a fan of Miley Cyrus, but okay. i guess she could do well if she wanted to, right? hahaha. and i'm sure all the other actors in the movie can, too. so anyway. the book.

the book was awesome. it's the typical Nicholas Sparks-Mitch Albom-Paulo Coelho kinda type. i know, they write differently. but still. they all write fiction. inspiring ones. stories that make you think. about life, about love, about friendship, about family. and most importantly, about God. the kind of books that make you stop whenever a good line comes and think, "oo nga, ano? i never realized that!" the ones that make you forget about your fears and everything you're supposed to be busy with (like, say, homework or a dressmaking project - lol).

i knew who all the actors were. well, not *who* exactly. but i knew what they looked like. so i could picture every scene when i read. i could see the emotions they felt, and i felt everything. the part where Ronnie's father's illness was finally discovered, i just had to let it out. i'd never been a good daughter. i must admit, for a second there, i had to think, "what if this was my father? my dad?" i couldn't bear the pain. it made me feel like i wanted to say, i am never gonna talk back to my dad anymore. (but still, i do. sorry. some things just gotta happen) but it did make me realize. changed me, maybe. in my thoughts, i guess. for it to change me in my acts would have to take a little more time. we'll get there. slowly.

this book really made me feel different things about family. love can wait. i'd never experienced that in a really troubling situation yet. but reading the book made me feel like i have. i felt God when i read it. it made me think about how much i'd missed out on my family. all those times i talked back to each of them. every single lie i've told. but then i get confused. i'm graduating. how can i possibly not try to spend every little minute with my classmates and friends when i know that in just a few months, i might not see them for a long time after graduation? but them, my family, they're always there. and if given a chance, i might be spending my college years with my sister. and if that did happen, our parents might even move to Manila. we'd always be together.

whatever. i hadn't decided what to do about that. and i choose not to. haha. the most important thing is that i let it out. this post may not actually contain much. i couldn't say the right words about what i felt when i read this book. i just know that it moved me in every possible way it can. it showed me the things that could happen in my life that i'd never expected nor wanted. and i love every single bit of it.

Nicholas Sparks, i can't begin to explain. i love this novel. you are a great author. you are amazing. mwah. =)

let's talk about college, shall we?

graduation. probably the last thing that i wanna talk about right now. but let's face it. the earlier we embrace a fact, the easier we get it, and the faster we move on (ahem). so here it goes. i'd call it a monologue. :)

"`nak, pasak-a mi ni Daddy sa stage, ha?" mom tells me.

i answer with a slight nod.

"ay, pati diay si Ate."

"mmm." and that's all i say every time. every time.

there's this one day when my parents and i had lunch at Pizza Hut at the local mall. my mom meets a friend, and they talk about my graduation. blah blah blah. and she says, "dah oy, wa naman gani na siya nagtarong kay kasayod naman na siya na mu-graduate siya bisa'g unsaon!" and then they laugh. i go quiet and stare through the window.

and then that's when i thought, wow. so she realized that? of course, i'd realized that way back then, when my low, low, low grades met my eyes at school. and then there was this essay in English. and that's when i admitted to myself that i failed. that i was a failure as a student, as a sister, as a daughter. probably even as a friend. think, guys, and you'll know what i mean.

i'm a washout. a high school washout. i used to be quite admirable, y'know. not to boast or anything, but i was. truly. i was serious about school once. back in elementary. i may have felt like i failed when i ranked 6th honorable mention in sixth grade, because to me, it didn't feel like it was enough. and then i went to high school. i tried to work it out, but the harder i tried, the more i failed. so i stopped trying altogether. and that went on 'til this very moment (not that it's gonna stop tomorrow, lol).

so yes, i've lost interest in school. i've lost interest in studying. basically, i lost interest in even trying. maybe it's because of the previous failures i've had in life. i don't know. what i know is that i'm tired.

my mom was right. i know i'm graduating anyway, so what's the point in trying to ahieve more? if something comes my way, then i'll thank God for it, and try a little. if that makes things better, then i'll try even harder, and so on. but if it fails? okay. pause. think. move on, and don't look back. it'll do you no good, i know that for sure.

so back to graduation. i don't want to be held back for a year, that's for sure. that would be.. humiliating. self-degrading, and everything else nasty that i can think of. i could never imagine myself being back in high school for one more year. not because i hate highschool but because the people i'd like to share it with would be in college by then. which would make it pointless. graduation would be the saddest event in my life yet. i'm not looking forward to it. because where i am now, mediocre as it is, is where i would like to stay for a longer period of time. five months isn't enough for me to strengthen my bonds with my friends. it's not long enough for me to drop the bitterness towards the fact that i am graduating, no matter what i say or do. it's not long enough for me to realize what i really want to be in college. what type of college student i'm gonna be. would i be the same as i was in highschool? a lazy person, ending up nearly flunking? i wouldn't want that, now would i? who would, anyway? five months is too short for me to gather all the greatest memories i could possibly ever get. i want to save every single day i have left with my friends, which is exactly the reason why i wanna hang out all the time and go home late, which i can't because it's not safe. and they want me to get used to fact that i'm going to college? really? because as far as i can tell, my future college would be nowhere near our house. nowhere near them. nowhere near from here. at all. i might as well get used to socializing and spending late hours being out. that way, i might be able to fully accept the college problem.

i don't know what i'm gonna do at the present time, nor for the near future. but i do know this: i don't wanna miss a thing. i will do anything to spend the most with my high school peeps. =)